Programs

On Gratitude -- November 22, 2009

IFFP member Dan Griffin moderated the discussion, which was led by Rabbi White. Dan dubbed the theme of the meeting, Stimulus Package for Gratefulness.

Introduction

Dan said Georgia OKeefe had written that we need time and space to determine and recognize what we are grateful for.

Dan added that although more is better may be a product of the human condition, Psalms 23 teaches The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. At this, Rabbi White interjected that we should also remember the next line of the Psalm: He leadeth me in green pastures, beside the still waters. This underscores the point that unless you have the opportunity of calmness within which to contemplate what you already have, you cannot appreciate it.

Dan told the history of McDonalds Supersizing, which he described as the dietary equivalent of a Papal dispensation. David Wallerstein, a McDonalds executive who worked for a chain of movie theaters in the 1950s and 1960s, discovered that it was difficult to persuade customers to purchase more than one soda or bag of popcorn, because doing so made people feel greedy or gluttonous. Wallerstein discovered, however, that customers would pay more to purchase more up front. Although McDonalds founder and President Ray Kroc was initially skeptical of the idea, the popularity of Supersize items led to the spread of the program.

Dan said one can look at gratitude as the inverse of there's never enough. We are too much in a mergers and acquisitions mindset there can always be more. Dan confessed he often finds himself wanting more, or to be more more creative, smarter, to have more energy, to be younger or thinner, to be less New York, to be less working class, to have more belief in a divine being. If I were just a little more

Dan recalled his childhood experience of Christmas morning and opening presents rapid-fire, racing from present to present, until the inevitable let down at the end when there were no more.

Dan mentioned the Japanese Buddhist Naikan reflection based on three questions: What have I received from______?, What have I given to______ and What troubles and difficulties have I caused _____?

Dan also recalled the Zen lesson of two students one who was asked to spend ten minutes each morning and evening expressing gratitude, while the other is asked to spend the same amount of time practicing complaining. After a year the person who practiced complaining will realize that he still has all his negative aspects of life rather than having let them go, while the one practicing gratitude will be a very grateful person.

Rabbi White

Rabbi White said he finds space for practicing gratitude through Shabbat. On that day he does not look at the calendar, and does not answer his phone. He mentioned the Wordsworth poem, The World Is Too Much with Us.

The Rabbi also said Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel taught that if we are always too involved in planning, we can never seize the moment. We need to seek radical amazement.

The Fifth Commandment is Honor thy father and mother. The converse of that idea is the commandment, Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's house or fields, or your neighbor's wife or servants anything that belongs to your neighbor. In dysfunctional families there's a lot of coveting.

The Rabbi mentioned that he enjoys the lighting of the candle at the end of Sabbath, the smell of the spice box. He raised the question how do we take the spirit with us through the week? For him, the answer is meditation. He meditates at least once a day.

The Rabbi told the group about his grandfather, who had been a wealthy man but had lost all his wealth during the Great Depression. His grandfather suffered little from this loss, however, because of his view toward life: Everything we have belonged to God anyway. He invoked the image of a rented house. We do not own it. We do not own anything our bodies, our brains. Therefore there is no need to take advantage. Even our children are on loan to us.

Open Discussion

One member drew an interesting contrast between people and animals. At first he thought, if given unlimited food, animals will keep eating and get fat, whereas people have the ability to recognize they have had enough and stop. But no, actually animals are ok with leaving food behind because they dont worry about the future.

This observation prompted Rabbi White to tell the story of his cat, Boris, who lived to age 19. Then one day the cat got outside and died. The Rabbi realized he had been keeping the cat alive through pills. He compared this story with the story of his grandmother, who lived to age 103. But when she felt it was time to die, when she had had enough, she gathered her family to her, gave each her blessing, and died.

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One member said that one year their family did or no gifts at Hanukkah. The next year they did one gift.

The Rabbi explained the Shamash candle on the menorah must be lighted first, to symbolize that serving is the highest value.

Another member said his family goes around the room in a compliment circle before eating.

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Rabbi Whites father said he always liked Santa because Santa was fat, he wore the same clothes over and over, he came down a chimney, he gives to rich and poor alike, and he never stayed for thank you.

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One member reported on recent research on a green idea to take advantage of the keeping up with the Joness effect. We have seen those signs in hotels asking customers if they dont need their towels washed to hang them on the towel bar. According to one study, if the sign conveying this message says, 70 percent of our customers choose not to wash their towel, the percentage of people who choose not to wash their towel jumps dramatically.

There are other ways to steer this competitiveness into positive goals: e.g., bragging about better mileage of the Prius.

One member said she favors substance over displays. She chose usable attic space over granite countertops, for example.

Rabbi White quoted another Rabbi as saying, Let's take the bar out of Bar-mitzvah. Some bar-mitzvah celebrations have become overly pretentious.

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One member suggested one of the reasons Islam may be gaining in popularity is the practice of stopping to be grateful. Five prayers per day. Rabbi White added Islam's emphasis on giving also plays a part.

The Rabbi recommended Victor Frankl's 1946 book, Man's Search for Meaning.

One member raised the question whether people in countries with stronger social safety nets are less acquisitive because they don't need to store up wealth to feel protected.

Rabbi White responded it was his experience that the Great Depression made his parents what they were. They were concerned with money primarily for their children's education. Even if parents have no money to give, they can give their children values. Also one can get a high quality education these days without having to attend a name brand or snob school.

An older member summed up her views this way, You can't safety-proof yourself from life. You can't safety-proof your kids from life. You give them enough of what's inside of you, and theyll be fine. She said that after many years of successful marriage, she tells her husband, There aren't many problems we can't solve if we put our minds to it, and if we cant solve it, we probably don't have to.